Psychology, Apology, Redemption & Liberation

Reflections on the Days of Awe

The Jewish New Year began last Friday at sundown, ushering in a 10-day period dedicated to self-reflection and clearing the slate of interpersonal relationships, leading up to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement (at-one-ment), a fast day, which begins Sunday at sundown.

Unlike the secular new year of partying, getting drunk and making a resolution to lose weight (not that there’s anything wrong with that), the Jewish New Year has a different tone. The traditional greeting in Hebrew is not “happy new year” but “l’Shanah Tova u metukah” meaning “Have a good and sweet year.”

What’s the difference between having a happy new year and having a good and sweet year?

Below is a piece I published in Tikkun Magazine in 1998 about the process of atonement.

This was written during the waning of the New Age spiritual movement with its one-sided emphasis on giving forgiveness to others rather than on earning forgiveness for oneself. I appreciate the psychological soundness of this ritual. You don’t have to be Jewish or religious to practice it.

“Tikkun” means “repair” in Hebrew. “Tikkun Olam” means to heal and repair the world.

I wish us all a good and sweet year which will be enhanced by integrity in our personal relationships.

Tikkun Magazine, September/October 1998

ATONEMENT AS TIKKUN By Diane Perlman

The Wisdom of Ritual

In almost every New Age publication, you can find books, tapes, and workshops on forgiving others, but I've never seen a workshop on asking for forgiveness for oneself. An apology exercise designed to promote enlightenment, transformation, and healing does exist; but it's not a New Age exercise - it's an Age-Old ritual. It is not facilitated by an experiential workshop leader, but is practiced in real life with the most significant people in one's life.

Between the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah and the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, during the Ten Days of Repentance or Days of Awe, we are asked to approach people in our lives and ask for forgiveness. Even if we are unsure whether we have done anything offensive, we still ask-in case we committed any slights we are unaware of. If we ask forgiveness three times and are refused, we are cleared and the burden is on the other. Such is the exquisite care embedded in the rituals to clear the slate between ourselves and others.

There is great wisdom and psychological soundness in this practice-called kapara, or atonement. By reconciling with each person individually, we prepare ourselves for Yom Kippur, when we ask for forgiveness collectively. Atonement is the individual starting point for tikkun olam, healing the world.

I am more of a practicing psychologist than a practicing Jew, but kapara is my favorite ritual in Judaism. By making a provision for a salutary practice we might not undertake on our own, even with psychotherapy, Judaism has found a way to simultaneously promote conscious spiritual evolution and psychological growth.

Atonement symbolically inscribes us in the Book of Life by liberating life energy, promoting vitality and healing in relationships that may be deadlocked by anger, resentment, and misunderstanding. Interpersonal cleansing actually enhances physical health, well-being, and resilience.

Although I practice kapara every year, I feel awkward asking for forgiveness. Maybe that's why so few people do. Every encounter is a stretch and a humbling experience, because atonement can be excruciatingly difficult. For all of us, it is harder to ask for forgiveness than to forgive. For some people, the act of making apology is seen as a sign of weakness and a violation at the core of one's being.

One reason forgiveness is embraced more than apology has to do with our preoccupation with victimology (many innocents are victimized; victimology refers to the misuse of this to avoid growth). In forgiving, we get to be the good guys, identified with the victim position and holding the moral high ground. In asking for forgiveness, we are identified with the perpetrator position, with realizing we hurt others, which can be intolerable for some. The humility that comes with reclaiming the dark aspects of our personality is often confused with humiliation.

It is much easier to fast and to sit in synagogue and beat our breasts while listing every imaginable and unimaginable sin we have committed wittingly and unwittingly. It is easier to say "we" have sinned than it is to say "I" hurt you. It is easier to ask "Our Father Our King" to forgive us than it is to ask our actual fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers, spouses and ex-spouses, children, friends, and others to forgive us for the specific sins we have committed against them.

Atonement vs. Forgiveness

Although popular culture promotes forgiveness as the royal road to enlightenment, transformation, and healing, the act of atoning is on a much higher psychological and moral plane.

There is value in true forgiveness, but it is often trivialized, misunderstood, and misapplied in ways that can be harmful. Authentic forgiveness is a profound organic process that may include anger, understanding, empathy, and a natural release when the arduous psychological work is complete. It cannot be forced or achieved by a deliberate act of will without some form of protest from the depths of one's soul.

In my practice I have seen clients with cancer, adults who have been abused as children, and others who torment themselves for their inability to forgive. When the perpetrator is not apologizing, forced forgiveness can hurt the victim. Some therapists pressure their clients to forgive perpetrators as a requirement for healing. This adds insult to injury and can be a re-traumatization: those who have been hurt now feel that their inability to forgive will deny them the promise of healing. It is a New Age guilt trip and places many people in a "spiritual double-bind" - damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Many are relieved to discover that Judaism does not require us to forgive unless the perpetrator (1) confesses, (2) promises not to repeat the offense, and (3) does not repeat the offense. If one apologizes, however, forgiveness is expected. If the offended one refuses to forgive and the offender apologizes three times, the offender is absolved. A strong intention to liberate one another from past mistakes, and to allow for redemption, is inherent in the design of these rituals.

Atonement and the Anatomy of Healing

Atonement is an essential element in healing. Acknowledging the truth and recognizing the pain we have caused can heal us interpersonally and politically. In her treatment of families with incest, for example, family therapist Cloe Madanes includes a ritual in which the sex abuser, in the presence of family members, gets down on his knees and apologizes to the one whom he abused, and asks for forgiveness. This powerful ritual successfully allows for reintegration and healing of family members who would otherwise be relegated to legal and penal systems that do not allow for healing.

Atonement and Tikkun Olam

On a collective level, apology is a powerful political tool. It has been proven effective in transmuting longstanding intractable situations. President Clinton's apology for slavery and the Tuskeegee experiment, though flawed, was a release and profound healing experience for many. Public acknowledgment of the truth can have powerful healing effects, as is the case with the work of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in South Africa.

If our culture valued atonement more than forgiveness, it would shift the energy in the collective psyche. The burden of the responsibility, disproportionately born by the wounded, would be transferred to those responsible, to atone. 

                                    Forgiving                                                                    Atoning 

Burden on the suffering one                                       Burden on the responsible one 

Releases self                                                                 Releases self and other 

Doesn't require change in                                          Requires profound change in offender offender 

Promotes inner healing                                               Promotes interpersonal healing 

Allows one to get on in life                                     Promotes Tikkun Olam

As the Yom Kippur prayer, U'nataneh Tohef, says, "Tefilah (prayer), teshuvah (repentance), and tzedakah (righteousness) avert the severity of the judgment." In forgiving, we release ourselves. In apologizing, we release another. Though our primary concern is healing the other, the healing we receive is profound.

Diane Perlman, Ph.D., is (was) a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in the Philadelphia area.

Source Citation. Perlman, Diane. 1998. Atonement as Tikkun. Tikkun 13(5): 32.